and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
The ass gains better be worth it
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