The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
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