remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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