Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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