my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
