Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I need to align my fucking chakras
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
