put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
