I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
