cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
