I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
