Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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