i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
