His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I am available for nakedness
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
