I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
