Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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