The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
jump out the window naked night went bad
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
