I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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