God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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