I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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