I want to have your abortion
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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