wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
