The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Randomize
