just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
