I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
