I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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