you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
