Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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