i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
not ubering you a puppy
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
