I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
