Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
