Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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