Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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