i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
