call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
