I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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