I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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