I CAN MOONWALK!
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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