Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
