i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
