I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
