I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
