I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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