And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
