Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He passed out mid-signature
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
