shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
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I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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