I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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