I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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