We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
