I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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