oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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