So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
