im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Randomize
