She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
