So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
21 Of The Most Regrettable Tattoo Ideas Ever
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?