and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
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I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
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i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick