imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile