i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
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