**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
