Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
