We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
