He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
