We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
