You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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