awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
